Women usually always tend to give more than they get. Mothers give everything to their families without hardly getting anything back in most of the cases, therefore a family is a bad investment. Most women get frustrated about this and project this against their family. Others simply avoid getting into such a unfortunate situation by not relying on anyone, like some of my single friends.

Sisyphus ought to have been a woman, but if it had been a woman, nobody would have found it unfair but only natural. Maybe it's in the female genes to give care, god knows. I had a day of giving only, doing things for others and I am literally drained with no energy left for myself. Retrospectively I ask myself WHY THE FUCK DID I DO ALL THIS?

I today also learnt that I am not the type of person to work in a social area. I am not a giver. I think in financial terms, expect a ROI. It's not that I don't care about people, though I am quite indifferent to most human beings and clearly prefer animals to humans, but I am not a giver from the bottom of my heart. I don't give out of altruism, but out of sense of responsibility with the clear idea of planting a seed of good, that might bring a good harvest one day.

With the sad truth that I have not harvested anything good in my life so far of what I did for others, I can't think of anything. Maybe its also a cultural thing, that people here just take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, without ever feeling the responsibility to give anything back or feeling lousy about it.

Of course it is nice to do stuff for other people, but if you never ever get anything good back, you start feeling like an idiot. It's also like a sort of addiction and a thoroughly bad thing to do. I realized that some of my friends suck more energy from me than they provide. They're like black holes, which suck in every bit of energy and light.

I guess a woman is only really free of responsibilities and chores after death. Of course all the stuff I did today were of my own choice and I retrospectively regret some of the decisions I made today:

- I did stuff for my company, orthough I needn't have to. --- should have stayed offline.
- I wrote a recommendation letter for my mentee to find a job as a nurse aid --- there was no need
- I took my cat to the vet --- that needed to be done
- I played with the other cat, although I was drop dead tired --- I should have ignored her
- I went to visit a sick friend of the family --- glad I did it
- I let the neighbor wash two hours longer --- I don't care
- I cooked a big meal --- I did not want to throw the good meat away
- I cleaned cat shit --- shouldn't have done it
- I looked for my partners favourite bread in 3 supermarkets without success --- wasted energy
- I ran to open a tram door for a black woman with a pram - nobody else would help a black woman, so it was more a political statement
- I did a flower arrangement for my partner --- repetition spoils the effect
- I bought the flowers from an old florist friend of mine out of sympathy --- who cares
- Consulted my dad on buying a new printer --- I should have stayed offline